#BlogophiliaWeek43.4:”ShoppingAtWalmart”

This is my second attempt at a Blogophilia post.  I decided it would be fun to drag out another character from The Williamson Vampire series that I’ve been playing with.  Today, I bring you Virginia, a character who is ridiculously offensive to all.  Oy Vey!  Her insane views on life are her own, and in NO way reflect those of her author.  😉 

Blogophilia 43.4 Topic: “Shopping at WalMart”

Bonus Points:

(Hard, 2pts): quote a line from a Beatles song

(Easy, 1pt): mention ‘address book and holiday shopping idea’

*****

“Driver!  You hoo!  Driver!”  Virginia wrapped her gloved hand on the partition that separated the front of the limo from the back half.  “DRIVER!”  The dark glass slid down painfully slow to accommodate her. 

“Yes, Miss?”

“Why are we stopping here?”

“I’m sorry, Miss.  You said you needed to buy a gift along the way.”

Virginia rolled her eyes.  “At Walmart?  You expect me to go shopping at Walmart?  Idiot!  Must I spell everything out for you?”

“But Miss, it’s Christmas Eve.  All the other stores are either closed or about to close.  We were lucky that this place was still open.”

“Lucky?  Lucky!  You have no idea what luck is.  You’re LUCKY that I’m running late, or I would deal with you right now.”

“What would you like to do, Miss?” the driver, said straining to control his professional tone of voice.

“Well, pull up to the curb!  I can’t go tromping through the parking lot.  This isn’t a parade!  Honestly!  I’m in heals.”  Virginia shook her head at the incompetence of her help.

“Would you like me to go inside with you, Miss?”

“Do you think it’s wise to be anywhere near me at this moment?”

The driver chose not to answer her.  She could rot in hell as far as he was concerned.  For Virginia, Walmart was probably the next closest thing.

The limousine pulled up along side the curb near the front entrance.  It was snowing lightly, almost magically, like something out of a scene from a greeting card.  The driver got out of the luxury vehicle, brought out a large black umbrella, and opened it up swiftly before coming around to the other side of the car.  He opened the passenger door and offered Virginia his hand while carefully positioning the umbrella overhead. 

Virginia didn’t like the snow, but she did enjoy the fashions of the winter season.  She took her driver’s hand and carefully placed her high-healed boot onto the wet pavement.  She gracefully emerged from the car and pulled her silver fox, fur coat tighter around herself.  The driver escorted her to the sliding doorway, umbrella poised to shield them both from the gentle dusting of snowy flakes.

“I’ll be back in precisely fifteen minutes,” Virginia said, waggling her finger at her escort.  “Don’t be tardy.”

“No, Miss.”  The driver reached for a shopping cart, but thought better of it after seeing the sour expression on Virginia’s face.  “Fifteen minutes,” the driver repeated, before returning back to the waiting vehicle.

Virginia moved reluctantly through a second set of sliding doors.  Her back was ramrod straight, though she felt completely out of her element amongst the bustle of last-minute Christmas shoppers, fluorescent lighting, and holiday music.  It was like a carnival for the senses run amuck!

A woman with hair that was more orange than blond met her at the door.  She was wearing a Santa hat, a cornflower blue vest over a sweater with a Christmas tree on it, black stretch pants, and had on earrings that looked like jingle bells.  “Happy Holidays!” the greeter said in a perky voice.  “Welcome to Walmart!  Can I help you?”

Virginia looked the woman up and down with disdain.  “I highly doubt it.”

“Aww!  I’m sure we can help you find whatever it is that you’re looking for,” the woman said, unfazed.  Her smile seemed to be permanently painted onto her face.

“I’m on my way to a party, just a few of the girls from the club, and I need to bring along a little gift.”

“Try stationary,” the greeter said, still grinning confidently.  “Go down that center aisle, past seasonal, third aisle on the right.”

“Thank you,” Virginia said, though a little confused.  Stationary didn’t seem like a bad gift idea.  Why couldn’t her help be that intuitive?  Virginia peered at the girl’s name badge.  “Candy?  Your name is Candy?”

“Short for Candace, but Candy is way cuter.”

Virginia sighed.  There was always something, but this wasn’t exactly a deal breaker.  Virginia brought out a slim silver case from her handbag, and fished out a pale pink business card. 

“Well, Candace,” Virginia stated, enunciating the girl’s name with a southern drawl.  “If you ever decide you’d like a change in employment, you may call me at this number.”

The girl stared at the card, but didn’t take it.  “But, I already have a job.  I’ve been working for Walmart for over fifteen years.”

Virginia let out another sound of exasperation.  It was just as well, Virginia mused.  The girl would have needed a complete makeover.  She probably wasn’t even housebroken.  Virginia shoved the card and case back inside her leather handbag, and headed towards the crowded center aisle way without a backwards glance.

“Happy Holidays!” the greeter shouted.

Virginia ignored Candy completely.  Her focus was on the woman up ahead blocking her path with her three small children in tow, and how she was going to avoid them.  She could see the children were itching to pet her expensive coat.

“Puppies!” one of them squealed.

Virginia gave the youngster a very unladylike snarl.  The child began to cry.

“What’s wrong?” the woman cooed to her offspring.

“How about four generations worth of inbreeding?” Virginia muttered as she squeezed between them and an endcap filled with electronic singing fish.

Virginia couldn’t imagine why the store was so busy.  It was shocking in both its popularity and it’s massive scale.  She couldn’t see why anyone would want to frequent a place like Walmart on a regular basis.  She felt that merchandise should be unique and reflect a certain personality.  It should be exclusive and distinctive in both style and good taste.  It should be…were those hand towels only five dollars?  She needed new towels for the servant’s powder room.  They were the right shade of white, Egyptian cotton, and they were on sale!  She wondered if the store carried them on a regular basis.  She needed at least a dozen hand towels, and the fingertip towels as well.  No, no, she forced herself to stop fondling the absorbent fabric.  She was looking for the stationary section.

“Excuse me,” Virginia said to a woman in an oversized gray sweatshirt.  “I’m looking for the area where they display stationary.”

“I don’t work here,” the woman said.

Virginia raised one eyebrow and waited, a superior look on her porcelain doll face.

The woman in the sweatshirt rolled her eyes.  “The stationary aisle is down that way.”

“Thank you.”

Virginia made her way to the aisle that the woman had pointed to, but frowned once she got there.  Pens and pencils of all kinds were hung in neat rows.  Reams of notebook paper were on shelves below.  However, there wasn’t anything there that Virginia would dream of giving as a gift. 

A large man with short spiky hair was speaking to an elderly woman nearby.  He was wearing a name badge with the name “Ben” on it, and had on a blue polo shirt.  It seemed rather likely that he worked there.

“Excuse me!” Virginia said. 

“I’m looking for a holiday shopping idea for my mother,” the elderly woman said to the plump man.

“What about an address book?” the Walmart associate answered.  “We’ve got some nice ones right here.”

“Seriously?” Virginia interjected.  “Are you insane?  That woman must be a hundred years old.  Her mother must be close to a thousand.  She’ll be dead before she reaches the letter C.  Now then, I need to know where you keep the stationary, the paper civilized people write on.”

The elderly woman gasped.  “Excuse me!  I was being helped first.”

“Well, we don’t really have that kind of stationary,” Ben said quickly, “but there’s some seasonal paper and envelopes on that endcap over there.”

“Thank you,” Virginia said.  She flashed the old lady a smug look of satisfaction as she sauntered past.  Unfortunately, all that was left were tiny packs of paper sporting poinsettias and snowmen.  She couldn’t visualize anyone she knew using anything that tacky.  “Excuse me!”  Virginia snapped her fingers to get the Walmart worker’s attention.  “Excuse me!”

“I’ll be right with you,” the man said with a sigh.  He looked tired.

Virginia tapped the pointed toe of her leather boot as she waited impatiently and played absent-mindedly with her long, golden curls.

When the worker finished speaking to his customer, he walked over to Virginia, hands on his hips.  “Can I help you?”

“I’m late for a party and I’m looking to bring along a gift.  One of your associates suggested stationary, but I can’t seem to find anything that’s at all appropriate.”

“Stationary?”  The man frowned.  “You’re bringing stationary to a party?”

“Well…” Virginia pouted her rosebud lips.

“How about some music?  We sell CDs”

“I don’t know…”

“What kind of music do you like?”  He forced a warm smile at her.

“Well…I don’t listen to very much modern music, but…well there is one song that I like a lot.  It’s a beautiful song, one of my favorites actually, and it would be really appropriate at this time of year, but I don’t know the title.”

“Why don’t you hum the tune or sing a few lines?  I’m sure I’ll figure it out.”

“Well…” Virginia vacillated between her options, but decided to go ahead anyways.  “Fine!”  She cleared her throat daintily before singing in her sweet soprano voice.  “Hey Jew, don’t make it bad.  Take a sad song and make it better.  Remember-”

“Wait, wait, wait!  Wait!  That’s not right at all!”  Ben looked around to see if anyone else had been listening in.  The last thing he needed was a call to their corporate office from an offended customer.  “I know what song that is, but it’s Hey Jude, not Hey Jew.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s a Paul McCartney song.  Hey Jude, that’s the name of the song.”

“No.  Don’t be ridiculous.  Paul McCartney was in The Spiders.  That band was Japanese.”

“No, actually he was in the Beetles.”

“The Monkees sang I’m a Believer.”

“The who?”

“Oh, I was never a big fan of The Who,” Virginia said with a wistful sigh.  “Keith Moon left a stain on my carpeting that never did come out.”

“Wait…what?”

“I don’t think music is really the right gift,” Virginia interjected.

“Oh, sure.”  The Walmart associate rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand.  “Umm…what about refreshments?  How about a bottle of wine?”  After the kind of day Ben was having, alcohol sounded really good, lots and lots of alcohol.  He could feel a headache coming on.

“Hmm…” Virginia clasped her hands together in a childlike manner.  “Refreshments!  That’s perfect!  Thank you!” 

Virginia looked Ben up and down, contemplating his sheer size.  He looked like he’d be high in cholesterol, but it was the holiday season.  It was perfectly natural to want to splurge a little!  Besides, the New Year was just around the corner.  She could always go back on her diet when she made her usual resolutions.  Yes, Ben would do nicely.  He could spare a few pints or more, and probably be no worse for wear…probably.  Virginia smiled broadly in delight.  Maybe this holiday season wouldn’t be so bad after all.  Walmart really did carry everything!

“Well…I’m glad I could be of help,” Ben answered tentatively.  He could feel his skin crawl, though he wasn’t sure why.

*****

Have a happy and safe holiday season!