Vampire Facts

Vampire Facts

Since vampires are FICTIONAL characters, a writer does have certain liberties with the parameters they set for these characters.  That said, I’m NOT a member of the “School for Fluffy Vampires.”  No matter what else they may be, they’re still vampires.  They are not cuddly bunnies.  Not everyone will agree with the list I’ve created, and that’s OK.  There’s plenty of room for all of us in the writing world.  With this in mind, these are the parameters I’ve chosen to set for MY characters.  Enjoy!

 

  1. Vampires drink blood.  That’s what makes them vampires.  We could get into all sorts of scientific reasons why they require blood to survive, but the bottom line is this:  Vampires drink blood.

 

  1. Human bodies make blood.  If we can agree for the moment that fact #1 is true, humans should be squeamish around vampires.  It’s normal to be afraid of creatures that look at you as a possible food source.

 

  1. Animals make blood.  Again, if fact #1 is true, animals should also be nervous around vampires and all carnivores in general…and they are!  Deer, squirrels, woodchucks, all wild animals in general don’t like creatures that look at them as a food source.

 

  1. If facts #1-2 are true, then vampires are probably NOT the best choice for dating material.  Sure they may claim that they ONLY drink from animals, or get their blood from a blood bank, but if they’re over a hundred, do you really believe that they’ve NEVER drank from a human source?  Seriously?  Blood banks are a relatively new invention and synthetic blood may sound great on paper, but I don’t even like the taste of diet soda.  I can’t imagine a vampire living off the blood equivalent of drinking diet pop for the rest of their lives.  Dating someone, who sees you as a possible food source, is a very bad idea.

 

  1. Vampire teeth ripping through flesh tends to leave scars, but their saliva does encourage rapid healing.  A vampire may prefer to use a pocketknife, or some other sharp object, rather than their actual teeth/fangs when feeding off human sources that they SWEAR they never use.  There is less chance of scarring this way, and therefore less chance of detection.

 

  1. Vampires tend to prefer to hang out with other vampires.  They have the same things in common.  Common interests tend to draw people together.

 

  1. Vampires can live a long time, a REALLY long time if they’re careful.

 

  1. Vampires don’t like humans to know of their existence.  No vampire likes to be faced with torches and pitchforks.

 

  1. An old vampire’s interests could be varied, and extensive, and a bit strange to a modern human.  For example, embroidery work was once considered men’s work.  It would take many years to master the craft.  In this century, it’s considered merely a hobby that is dominated by women.  While these eccentricities may seem charming in the beginning, common interests tend to keep couples together in the long term.

 

  1. Vampires tend to shy away from new technology.  Depending on their age, they’ve had to learn a LOT of “new” technology over the centuries.  Even the printed word in book form was once considered “new” technology.  Older vampires tend to get frustrated with our modern conveniences.

 

  1. Older vampires often have trouble adapting.  The older they get, the easier it is to stay around others who are like themselves and share the same interests as they do.

 

  1. A vampire may lose track of what is considered fashionable attire.  Most tend to choose well-made pieces that are considered timeless rather than trendy clothing.  Their wardrobes could be monochromatic, all black, all tan, etc.  Jeans and t-shirts are a popular choice for vampires dressing casually.  Suits are also a popular choice for everyday wear.  Hats with broad brims are a necessity as well as long jackets.  Hair is sometimes worn long if it was fashionable when they were turned.

 

  1. Vampires do NOT sparkle.  Vampire women turned in the 1980’s might still be holding onto their favorite shade of sparkly blue eye shadow, but that is an adaptation issue not a true vampire trait.

 

  1. Crosses and holy water do NOT burn vampires.  Like humans, they may feel comforted by religion or turned off by it.  Like humans, their views on religion are based on their experiences.

 

  1. Vampires DO have a heartbeat.  They are not technically dead.  They need blood to circulate in order to be fully functional beings.  Even if a human chose to date a vampire after ignoring all the other facts, they’d certainly be disappointed in a romantic way, if this were not the case.

 

  1. Vampires can only procreate by “creating” another vampire.  Once a human is turned, they no longer produce eggs or sperm.  Their bodies become “locked” to the age and form they were in on the day they were turned.

 

  1. Not all vampires are interested in intercourse.  Vampires who’ve lived for over a thousand years have a LOT on their minds.  Their equipment might still be in working order, but since they can’t procreate that way anyways, they often have a “been there, done everything” type of attitude.  Most of their performance issues tend to be psychological in nature.  Impotence is NOT talked about amongst the vampire community.  Vampires do NOT use the “little blue pill.”

 

  1. Vampirism is transferred by blood.  It is contagious, though a great deal of blood is needed for the transformation to take place.

 

  1. Vampires rarely create other vampires.  The process is risky to both parties and new vampires take a long time to become fully “housebroken.”

 

  1. Vampires do have a reflection.  Even inanimate objects have a reflection.

 

  1. Vampires can be killed by fire, permanent damage to the heart, decapitation, and severe mutilation.

 

  1. Vampires cannot fly or shape shift.

 

  1. Vampires are allergic to sunlight.  They don’t turn immediately to ash when exposed to the sun, but severe burning and blisters are enough to keep them indoors.  Most vampires won’t chance going outside during the daytime because of this.  Modern vampires are the exception.  They tend to live in areas that don’t receive a great deal of sunlight.  With the invention of tinted windows, sunscreen, antihistamines, UV light therapy, attached garages, and underground parking, a modern workaholic vampire can live a relatively “normal” life.  They get into work before the sun rises, stay in their little cubicle at work, and are the last ones to leave their job in the evenings.  Modern vampires are often promoted into management positions.

 

  1. If a vampire gets hurt, they tend to heal quickly, though they often require more blood to do so.

 

  1. Vampires tend to have sensitive stomachs.  Most don’t tolerate solid food well.  Younger vampires may try to continue the practice of eating solid foods with the help of enzymes in pill form.  These can be purchased at any health food store.  This doesn’t always work, but it can help them in unavoidable social situations with humans.  The company party given to the workaholic vampire, who just received another promotion, is a great example.  Even with the extra precautions in place, the cake is probably NOT going to stay down.

 

  1. Vampires tend to look at humans as less evolved beings.  They may see us as chattel, or even as pets, but it is extremely rare for one to think of humans as equals.  They are quicker, stronger, and long-lived.  Vampires do NOT usually think of humans in a romantic way.  If they “hook up” with a human, it’s usually NOT a good thing.  Humans tend to break easily.

 

  1. Older vampires often have stunted social skills when dealing with humans.  Rather than asking politely, they often prefer to make commands and expect humans and younger vampires to follow their orders unquestioned.

 

  1. Vampires often possess “extra” skills, especially the older ones.  It’s best NOT to look a vampire in the eyes, or you may find yourself “missing” chunks of your day or agreeing to do things without question.  Vampires do well in sales and customer service positions.

 

  1. Wealthy, pampered vampires tend to become bored with their existence as the centuries pass by, especially the very old ones.  A bored vampire is a dangerous vampire.  They may alleviate their boredom by taking up a new hobby, traveling, or by shopping for things they don’t need, but this is rarely the case.  Wars over territories, etc. tend to be a much more popular diversion, especially between rival covens.  Humans are often used as pawns in these wars.  Modern vampires may prefer corporate takeovers to actual battle.

 

  1. Vampires have a tendency to become hoarders, especially the modern ones who use shopping as a diversion.  Frequent moving tends to encourage a vampire to donate and purge their excess belongings.  Vampires rarely host garage sales.

 

  1. In general, vampires dislike birthday and holiday celebrations.  They don’t like to be reminded of their age.  They find it depressing.  Milestone birthdays are the exception, though presents are usually not required at said parties.  After all, what do you get for the 500-year-old vampire who has everything?

 

  1. Vampires are naturally pale.  A new trend among modern vampires is the use of spray on tans.  These sprays tend to make a vampire appear more orange than actually bronzed and sun kissed.

 

  1. Vampires only require one feeding per day or night as the case may be, but a stressed vampire may crave blood more often.  Coffee and cigarettes are popular vices among vampires who wish to control their cravings.  Older vampires tend to frown upon these vices.

 

  1. Vampires do not appear to age.  Centuries ago, this was a problem.  Vampires could only live in the same location for a few years without suspicion.  Thanks to modern medicine, plastic surgery, and Hollywood’s obsession with youth, this is no longer a problem.  Modern vampires may be able to live up to twenty years in the same location, just by changing hairstyles, clothing styles, and hinting they’ve “had a little work done.”

 

  1. Not all vampires are wealthy.  Most have jobs and bills to pay.  While the majority of vampires work for their creator/master/parent, there are those who choose to live away from “The Family.”  These vampires often take on freelance jobs.  Modern vampires may even choose to work with humans, though other vampires generally frown upon this.

 

Vampires walk unnoticed an unsuspected among humans everyday.  They might be your quiet neighbor, or a favorite college professor.  A modern vampire could even be your pain in the tush, workaholic boss, who has zero social skills, a spray on tan, never goes out for lunch, and seems to subside on a strict diet of caffeine and smoky treats. 😉

JH

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10 thoughts on “Vampire Facts”

  1. I LOVE point 9 , 10, and 27.
    I have a question on number 23: Do your vampires sleep? I only ask because if you’ve got working vampires during the day, what do they do at nighttime? Are they truly diurnal even though they’re allergic to sunlight?

    1. Yes, they need to sleep…though the ones that stay up all day are generally crankier than the ones who stick by a “traditional” vampire sleep schedule. Again, these vampires generally end up in management positions. Not every vampire wants to work as a nighttime detective…LOL

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Agree with almost all of these! 😀

    The sparkling one made me literally laugh out loud, as did the spray on tans that make them look orange – heh-heh!

    Also loved the idea of the vampire working away in his cubicle! That guy down the row you always thought seemed a little anemic… yeah, now we know why he never comes to the company picnic – hahahahahahahaha!

    1. I’m glad I gave you a giggle Jo. I had lots of fun coming up with this list. I’m pretty sure I’ve worked with several of them, though I didn’t know it at the time! He! He!
      I had one boss in particuliar that comes to mind. I only remember seeing him eat solid food a handful of times in the 5+years I worked with him, but he did enjoy his coffee and cigarettes. He always had a “fake” tan, drove a little sporty car with dark tinted windows, and he didn’t seem to know how to work the voice mail on his cell phone. He used to get so irritated when anyone wanted to stop for lunch, since he NEVER took a lunch. I used to think he was just out of touch with the real world, but now…
      He! He! He!!!!!!!

  3. I don’t normally comment but I gotta tell regards for the post on this special one :D.

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