*This is written with permission from my good friend and coworker. I have decided to keep his identity confidential. I was told that this was unnecessary, but if you knew my friend, you would also know that he is an incredibly generous and funny guy. You may have the urge to stalk him and hang out on his front porch. He would get nothing done, but his “fans” would leave with a box of old Christmas decorations, a stray cat, and the bag of stuffed animals that have been living in his car for over a year. Stuffed teddy bears anyone?
I had just got into work, and hadn’t even set down my purse, when one of my colleagues barged into the break room.
“I didn’t know you were working today,” I said.
“It’s a long story,” he answered, pulling roughly at the waist of his pants.
“What are you doing?” For a moment, I felt as though I was talking to my kid. My son sometimes pulls at his clothing inappropriately too, but then again, he’s still in elementary school.
My coworker let out an exaggerated sigh. “I can’t keep my pants up. I don’t have an ass.”
“My ASS!!! I don’t have an ass.”
“Oh,” I answered. I’ve gotten used to these conversations, so very little surprises me.
“I used to have a great ass, a perfect ass. I’ve had lots of people compliment me on my ass.”
I said nothing. How exactly do you respond to this?
He takes my silence as disbelief and continues. “It’s true! I’ve totally had people tell me what a great ass I had. It was such a great ass.” He then gives me a sad look. “But that was before…”
I should know better, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Before what?”
“Diabetes! Diabetes took my ass!”
At this point, I began to laugh hysterically.
My friend looked at me as though he thought I was suffering from some sort of fit. Perhaps I had FINALLY had that nervous breakdown that was LONG over due. “Juli! It’s true! It’s totally true! I used to have a great ass, but when I found out I had diabetes, I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t watch what I ate. Diabetes took my ass!”
I started laughing so hard, I was crying.
“JULI!!! It’s not funny! Diabetes stole my ass!”
Through my tears, I finally answered him. “We should have our own ad campaign. You could be the spokesman. ‘Check your blood sugar and check it often. Don’t let diabetes take your ass!’ It’s settled. I am totally running your ad campaign.”
Now I know diabetes is a serious illness. It has affected members of my own family. I’ve heard of people loosing toes and legs, but never their tushie. After I was able to regain a whisper of composure, I asked if I could share this on my blog.
He gave me the warmest smile. “Of course you can, Juli. I’m here to teach!”
And on that note…have a great weekend!
PS He’s hoping to get a new belt for Christmas. His significant other wanted to get him a laptop, but he told him he’d prefer a belt…and possibly some new shoes! He doesn’t have the Internet at the moment, but he can take the new belt ANYWHERE! 😉