Mother’s Day is a tricky holiday for me. You see, I lost my mother years ago to Multiple Sclerosis, and while my relationship with my mother was complicated, she was still my mom.
Since her death, I’ve had other women come into my life, other mothers who have helped fill the mom-shaped hole in my heart, a hole that began to form years before her death. (Her long-term illness affected our family in cruel a bizarre ways, but that’s neither here nor there.)
Since her death, I’ve also become a mom myself. I still have moments where this seems unreal! Life is strange. There’s NO instruction manual for ANY of this, though it seems like there SHOULD be one.
Anyway, I’m very grateful to have been surrounded and blessed with an abundance of mothers this year, my step-mom and my mother-in-law especially. This Mother’s Day I felt…whole and complete, an unexpected emotion all things considered. My sister and I talked about our mother, but I didn’t feel the ache inside of me like I have in the past. I still miss my mom. I still wish she’d lived long enough to have met her grandchild, but this year was different. I don’t know how this all works exactly. Maybe I’M the one who’s different.
People like to make quotes about time healing emotions, but I don’t think that’s true. I think you have to be actively engaged to heal yourself emotionally. I don’t think there’s an easy way out. I think you need to work at being whole. No one is going to “fix” you. No one is going to make you become a complete person. People you love and care about WILL disappoint you. You WILL disappoint other people. That’s life. And…I don’t think there’s a finish line, a place where you can say, “Ah ha! I’m all done!!!” You’re NEVER done. Life keeps throwing stuff at you. But I do think you can feel happy again, even after a loss. I do believe that if you WANT to feel whole again, AND you’re actively trying to heal yourself, you will eventually be blessed with people who’ve been there before, people who will help you get through it.
Have a great day!