Alarm goes off. I wait until the last possible second to get up, get out of bed, and get my kiddo off to school. Take off right wrist brace. Check! Take off left wrist brace and…hold on…my right hand is completely numb and useless. I actually used my right hand like a club‒a club with a sleeve‒and rubbed the velcro tab from my left wrist against “club-hand,” caught the velcro tab on clubby’s sleeve, and shimmied the left wrist guard off of my hand.
And all the time I’m doing this I’m thinking, “Really? Seriously? What the *fill in your favorite expletive here* is going on?” My body fought against my wrist guard so hard, my hand lost circulation. Not even pins-and-needles. I couldn’t feel my right hand at all! Why? Is there a reason my body thinks I need a pair of lobster claws instead of hands? Is there a logical explanation for WHY my hands think it’s a great idea to turn in on themselves during the night, especially after a bout of vivid dreams?
If my hands would just behave themselves, I wouldn’t have to strap them into their little wrist straitjackets every night! So it’s their own fault, really. My right hand went back to normal within minutes of proper blood flow, but still…it’s not like I put the wrist guard on too tight. My hands were just trying to make a break for it, to separate themselves from the rest of the collective. Typical. They don’t seem to understand that I strap them into their little wristjackets for their own good. Wrist guards at night=pain free hands during the waking hours. See? I’m not sadistic. I rarely need to wear my wrist guards during the day. My hands had no reason to lead a rebellion!
I told my kiddo that I need to practice my cartooning skills. If I had any skills at ALL, I would draw out my morning adventures. Like therapy. Me in my bathrobe, making breakfast, with GIANT lobster claws for hands. Can you imagine? It’s epic! Instead, I had a nice rant and made T-Rex references‒because everyone knows T-Rex understands what it’s like to have useless hands. T-Rex understands me. Rrrroar!!! If T-Rex were still alive, we would fist-bump our semi-useless appendages.
Hello, Sue the T-Rex. Fist bump!
*Pic was taken by me at the Michigan Science Center.