Getting out of your “comfort zone” isn’t fun for anyone. That’s why it’s called a “comfort zone” and not a “distress district”. I’ve been asked to speak at my aunt’s eulogy. I’ve never done this before. There will be a church full of people that I don’t know, plus family that I do know, and I’m not sure if I can do it.
When I write, I’m in my own head. I have time to think things through. I’m not standing in front of everyone, trying to keep my emotions in check, trying to read my own drips and dribbles. I’m nervous. One minute I think, “OK, I talk to strangers everyday. I’m used to talking to people.” The next minute, I’m reminded that I sucked at public speaking in high school and college. I used to have the tapes to prove it. I think I used them to tape episodes of LOST. LOL
Yikes! Is this all part of the writing package? I don’t know. I never took the classes and read the fine print. If I were planning to publish the traditional way, I guess I’d need to have the confidence to read in front of other people. I would think it would be part of the whole promoting thing, right? I’m not taking that route. I like the idea of self-publishing through Amazon and Smashwords. I’m still a shy kid deep down. I was the girl who ALWAYS had a paperback in her hand. I was the girl who hung out with other nerds and geeks. I was NEVER the “cool” one. Now I’ve purposely conquered 80% or more of this shyness, but at times like this, a part of me would like to withdraw back into my old persona. There’s comfort in the familiar.
So what should I do? Well, I won’t be the only one speaking…at least I BETTER not be, or it will be the shortest funeral EVER. “Where’s Juli?” “Oh, I think she’s hiding in the corner, chewing her own hair.” As I write this, I’m 60% sure I can do it. I want to share how much she meant to me. I know she’d want to be remembered with laughter and love. I think/hope I can share that. I just have to suck it up and get over myself. Aunt Meg would understand regardless. You’d NEVER have gotten her to get up to speak in front of everyone, NEVER, EVER, that I’m sure of. I’m taking comfort in that. Aunt Meg will be looking down on me and I can imagine her ironically saying; “Better you than me love.” She had a great sense of humor.